When abuse happens, the abuser might eventually get punished, and the business loses its finest talent and standing in the community. The victims of abuse may go on suffering for years. Let me tell you

a way that all of this suffering can be change into healing.

Case Example of a Verbally Abusive Boss

A business, we’ll call it The Barn, hired a new CEO who in turn hired some of his own management staff.  The idea was to take the business to the next level, and the new CEO already had a reputation for doing that. It looked like things were going reasonably well from the outside, although not as well as expected. But from the inside, it looked quite a bit different.

The VP of Marketing and VP of Production soon realized that the new CEO was pretty rough with some people who worked with him. He was often demanding, impossible to satisfy, and demeaning.

As time went on, the mood started to sour around the office, and the two VPs could see that the CEO was less organized and less effective in making the business run as well as it could have. They found themselves working to put a good face on things that were not going well. Was the CEO over his head, had he lost his touch, or was he drinking too much?

One day the staff went to lunch together. The CEO held forth as if he were a king at court. Staff members became uncomfortable with the stream of the CEO’s talking; he made both racist and sexist remarks about present staff members.

The VP of Marketing realized what he had seen and knew that he had a responsibility to report to HR. The CEO was in clear violation of company policy and possibly state law. HR started an investigation.

The Investigation of the Verbally Abusive Boss

The investigation found that the racist comments were not rare, as were inappropriately personal and sexual comments. The CEO had made the comments mostly in private. He was a verbally abusive boss.And then, only when asked, one of the young women said that she had been groped and propositioned by the new CEO.

The employee was afraid that if she said anything that she would lose her job. She was also humiliated and felt objectified.

The board immediately took action by replacing the new CEO with someone else. That person let go of all the new management staff and eventually fired those who complained during the investigation.

The Barn suddenly had a whole lot of lawsuits and took a defensive position. The employees who had lost their jobs were greatly distressed by their sudden unemployment and the pressure of lawsuits. None of them was able to find new work because others in the industry knew them as trouble makers at The Barn.

Over the next two years, one of the employees made a suicide attempt, and one had two psychiatric hospitalizations. One of the management people took a job in fast food and eventually found work in another state. The rest remained unemployed and unemployable. The new CEO disappeared, some say into alcoholism.

In the end, the company paid out millions. And despite settling those lawsuits and getting money, the employees continued to suffer and not return to their previous quality of life.

There is another way.

The way this turned out could have been very different. We have to think about workplace abuse in terms other than punishment and retribution.

If the board had relieved the new CEO of his duties and took responsibility for the harm done to the employees, they would not be in an adversarial position. They could make sure that all of the employees get mental health care and returned to their jobs. The company does not lose its skills and experienced workforce.

Taking Responsibility for Harm Done

The company can take responsibility for rehabilitating any abused employee. Using a combination of Workers Comp insurance, health insurance, and company money, the expense of rehabilitation would be minuscule compared to the legal costs of fighting claims.

The company can get people who know what they are doing back to work quickly. When people need to take off for doctor appointments, it should be on full salary. The company gains a reputation for taking care of its workers.

The Effects of Power

The company hired the new CEO because of his expertise. Unfortunately, sometimes a rainmaker, celebrity,  or highly valued leader also ends up being abusive. They may have a vision that others don’t see and pushes and abuses people to reach their goals.

They may try shaming or humiliation to get people to comply. The verbally abusive boss is probably not fully aware of the effect of their behavior on the people they work with.

People in power positions can get drunk on power. Power is intoxicating, it feels good, and, as Henry Kissinger said, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” When one person is under the influence of that aphrodisiac, and the other person isn’t, it results in sexual abuse.

How to Deal with a Sexual or Verbally Abusive Boss

What do you do with a powerful person when losing that person could mean losing the business? First, put him/her on leave so that they can’t harm other people and motivate them to seek rehabilitation themself. It may take losing their position and power to motivate that person to seek help. And there is help.

Help would come from a mental health specialist who understands the effects of power on the human brain and behavior and how to restore the humanity lost to the addiction to power and possibly alcohol or other drugs.

Reconciliation

First, restore the abuser to their humanity while the injured employees recover. Then a process of reconciliation between the abuser and the abused can begin. The abuser would have to be ready to face a group of now powerful people who will be honest about the effect he/she has had on them.

After the reconciliation process, the leader can return to work effectively with the employees they had hurt. While this seems unlikely, the reconciliation process is potent and has been successful in extreme situations, such as in Northern Ireland.

Workplace abuse is damaging to workers and the business. It changes the worker’s lives, and many people never recover. It is also a signal that the business has to change its culture and relationship with employees. With some boldness, the result could be that everyone ends up more robust and healthier, and the business flourishes.

Help for You

If you need help dealing with a verbally abusive boss, or other abusive leader, celebrity, or rainmaker, there is someone you can call on. Iam Dr. Rob Woodman, Ph.D., MSCP, and I have expertise in neuroscience to understand what happens to a person in a power position and thirty years of therapy experience to treat that person. You can reach out to contact me here.

Taking a highly focused approach, Intensive Psychotherapy is four days a week for four weeks. The changes in brain function and behavior are substantial and continue to improve even after therapy.

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We have now been in quarantine for over a year. Many of us are suffering from loneliness, anxiety, low-grade depression, irritability and simply not knowing what day it is. Your workplace has become your kitchen table and you are in terrible need of a haircut. At last, way off in the distance, is a ray of hope.

The number of COVID cases is down. Locally, we are progressing toward more openness. I am fully vaccinated, and so are some of my neighbors. The skies are brightening, and I can feel the fresh cool breeze of freedom. It is hard not to rush into the life I used to know, but that would be dangerous not only for me but for the entire community.

Being in quarantine for more than a year has taken a toll on all of us. I know it has taken a toll on me. It is not just that I miss getting to go out to eat or to the theater or a concert, but more importantly, I want to hug my friends and loved ones. I want to meet face to face and not screen to screen. Our brains do not respond to faces on screens as they do to faces in person. I want to go back to work.

Contact with others is brain food

Humans, like other primates, are clan animals. We are designed to live in groups, have copious social interactions, and connect to many other people. We have a particular part of our brain just for the recognition of faces. That part of my brain has had way too little stimulation for way too long.

As newborns, our eyes focus at just the distance from the breast to our mother’s face. In that interaction between newborn and mother, each one changes the other. And that is what happens in all truly connected relationships. We change each other. I think of that changing each other as nourishment, just like food changes us.

Because of the quarantine, those nourishing neural circuits have not gotten used as they once were and are not as active as they need to be. What steps can you take to recover from the quarantine and get the most nourishment out of your relationships?

Prepare

While we are waiting for the lifting of the quarantine, you can already be preparing for the social interactions that await you.

Begin a meditation practice. There are two good reasons why. The first is that meditation awakens the social brain. The social brain includes the parts of your brain and the links between them that let you sense another person, make connections, be intuitive, and understanding. These parts and their connections are all developed by meditation.

Each time you meditate, you will benefit from the experience. For one thing, it just feels good. You will awaken those neural networks of the social brain and get them ready. If you meditate for 21 days in a row, those networks start to become permanent. So don’t wait too long before you begin to meditate.

The other thing about meditation is that it makes you just a bit more observant. You are more observant of yourself and your inner experience. That puts you in just the right place for your in-person interactions with others.

Mask to Mask

I know. It is such a letdown. We get to meet in person, in small groups, but we have to keep our masks on. Let’s make some lemonade out of masked meetings.

As I mentioned, we have cells in our brains for faces. Those cells tend to take in whole faces, and here we are faced with masks. But we have eyes, and eyes are expressive. We usually look at an entire face for expression and meaning. Many of us tend to avoid eye to eye contact and find it uncomfortable, sometimes making us feel vulnerable, and your culture may say that it is inappropriate.

You will find that if you dare to make eye to eye contact, that you have a different experience with a person. Let your eyes be expressive. Give a distant hug with your eyes. Let your eyes express how much you like the other person, how much you have missed them, or even your disappointment or fatigue.

My father fell and hit his head. He was pretty old by then. The result was that he had a brain injury, and for a short time, he lost his ability to speak. He knew what he wanted to say, and he said it. His eyes told us everything he had in mind unmistakably. It was amazing to see how this articulate man continued to be articulate only with his eyes. You can do it too.

Your expressive eyes will encourage your interlocutor to be expressive as well. It gives permission to be expressive. Let whatever you say be expressed with your eyes. It will help deepen your connection.

Face to Face

Eventually, we will get to meet face to face without masks. Halleluiah! Then we can hug. I want to hug everyone, even people I don’t know. But let’s not get too carried away. Feel how great that will be to have in-person meetings. Notice how it will feel to be in groups of people, to go to parties and events with lots of people there and no one on a screen.

Pay attention to that good feeling. It won’t last long. That’s one thing about feelings. Bad feelings hang around, but good feelings fade pretty quickly. Those little moments of good feelings are like pennies in the bank. They are small, but they can build up over time.

Each time you notice one of those tiny moments of good feelings, it helps pave the way for more good feelings. It provides a slight relief of stress and opens your mind up to notice more good feelings. Over time, noticing good feelings, positive news, and strong connections with other people will become your new normal.

After more than a year of isolation and doom scrolling, Zoom meetings, and social media, we need something new. If we are heading toward something different than it is now, why not make it better than it ever was? Just a little noticing is all you need to do that.

Most of us think of ourselves as thinkers of thoughts. If you are a thinker of thoughts, your possibilities are limited. When you realize that it is your ability to notice what is around you and what is going on inside you, that makes any thinking worthwhile. Thinking can overwhelm us and wear us out. Noticing opens new worlds to us and refreshes us.

Keep going and make the future great

Use your skills of noticing in all your post-pandemic encounters. That way, you will not be burdened with preconceived ideas about the people you are with. Notice when you have one of those fleeting good feelings and realize that you have just put another penny in your bank, adding to your overall abundance of happiness.

Take these simple steps and be persistent. Your ever-changing brain will adapt to what you are making relevant, good feelings and strong connections, expressive eyes and faces, giving you a better life than you had before.

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Ellen is not the only one accused of creating a toxic workplace. Major General Dawn Dunlop is the highest-ranking Air Force female fighter-pilot. The Air Force fired her because she created a toxic workplace. She was director of the Office of the Secretary of Defense Special Access Programs.

As reported in Stars & Stripes, “In isolation, each of these instances may be viewed as Maj. Gen. Dunlop having an occasional bad day, having infrequent difficulties communicating her intent with her staff, or reacting badly in a time-stressed situation,” the IG investigators wrote. “However, cumulatively, and given the totality of the facts and circumstances, the preponderance of evidence supports Maj. Gen. Dunlop engaged in a pattern of disrespectful behavior toward her staff … in a way that was pervasive, personal, public, and disproportional.”

Both female and male leaders are liable to create a toxic workplace

Ubisoft, the maker of Assassin’s Creed, recently lost a number of its top staff in Toronto.  The creative director and head of human resources left. Present and past employees accused leaders of harassment, abuse, assault, and sexual harassment. News reports make it sound like a boy’s club with hazing and harassment, parties, and drinking. Until now nothing was done about it.

Placido Domingo, one of the greatest operatic tenors, was accused of sexual harassment. An investigation found credible evidence of abuse. At first, he apologized if he had offended anyone. Now he denies that he abused his power and is trying to clear his name. He resigned from the leadership of the Los Angeles Opera, which he started, and was fired from the Washington National Opera.

Back in the 1970s, amazing young James Levine became the conductor of the Metropolitan Opera. Even then there was talk of James Levine sexually harassing young men. Only in the time of #MeToo were the complaints heard. After 40 years on the podium, he lost his job.

Neither of these men, with so much power over people’s musical careers, realize the consequences of that power. They offered rare opportunities to young and vulnerable artists who could not say “No” without jeopardizing their careers.

Workplace abuse is common. Estimates range from 30% to 60% of workers have been the target of bullying or harassment or witnessed it.

Dr. Judith Blando found that 75% of workers were affected by bullying or harassment. Employee turnover alone is estimated to cost the US economy $223billion per year. One worker in five leaves their job because the workplace is toxic. Most developed countries, Israel, Japan, England, the US, and others, have active academic research programs to discover the causes, consequences, and cures for the toxic workplace.

What is going on that these powerfully creative, talented, and hard-working leaders create a toxic workplace that is hell for others?

With an eye to the effects of power unrestrained, we can easily see what happens to both workers and leaders.

One of my patients started as a salesman and has now taken over the company. He said that he noticed that he is irritated with people, that it feels like they intrude on him, and he ignores them. Often he feels angry at people over nothing. He wanted to know what happened to him that he cannot continue being good friends with the people who only a short time ago were his best buds.

When I was about fifty, having arrived at an age of respect, and power, and influence in my profession, I started driving aggressively. I felt that I could go first and not have to wait for others, and that speed laws didn’t apply to me. There were a couple of police officers who disagreed with me about that and gave me speeding tickets. I’d never been an aggressive driver before and have not been since I understood what was happening with my internal sense of power.

“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.”  Edmund Burke

Power comes from the ability to provide or withhold information, praise, attention, rewards, access, privileges, and so on. The ability to do that comes from your position in the hierarchy in the organization. It often comes in the guise of controlling employees’ behavior, rewarding accomplishment, and punishing failure. In other words, power comes with the territory. For the extraordinarily creative and talented person, the power comes from knowing more and seeing more than anyone else.

What does power do to the person who has it? Research by Dacher Keltner and others describes the effects of power on people, as well as the effects of being made powerless. As I discovered, it can make you aggressive. It also starts to shape your relationships with others. You become hyper-focused on goals and you forget the people who help you reach those goals. People are only important to the extent and as long as they are helping you do something. In a mental state that is like information overload, you end up having snap judgment and being cold.

And what is so harmful is thoughtless social behaviors. Your snap judgment and quick responses result in cutting or mean remarks, jokes that aren’t funny, racist or classist remarks, all the way to being sexually inappropriate. And to make matters worse, you lose your ability to read social cues that tell you that while you thought your joke was hilarious, others didn’t. You think you are sexually appealing when you are not, and don’t read the cues that people don’t appreciate your flirting. What seems to you like something that was done consensually was not consensual. The target of your affection is like the artists at the opera who cannot say “No.”

What happens to the person in a less powerful position?

Self-esteem plummets and you feel anxious and depressed. Insomnia sets in and work productivity deteriorates. You make mistakes and feel overwhelmed. You begin to focus on threats and punishment instead of your job tasks.

To avoid punishment, you also focus on the goals of the powerful person, even to the extent of becoming sycophantic. Your thought processing becomes conscious, effortful, and constrained. Your reasoning is deliberative and your thinking is complex. All of that takes enormous energy and makes you very slow at work. You feel exhausted. And your social behavior becomes uptight. You are not able to participate socially or to have fun. People come for mental health care with Generalized Anxiety, Major Depression, and PTSD as a result of a toxic workplace.

How can you deal with leaders who create a toxic workplace?

There are usually two things that happen to the toxic boss. Often nothing happens. And sometimes they get fired. Major General Dunlop was fired. But there are other fighter pilots and other officers capable of taking her position. A lot of unique, talented, and creative people have leadership problems. Organizations often don’t have a good remedy. How do you fire Ellen? If you do, you no longer have an Ellen Show. The financial losses are catastrophic.

These cases often become a legal quagmire. Employees file law suites and you end up paying off large sums. You have protracted negotiations with the leader and get lots of bad publicity.

There is another way.

The corporation can take responsibility. It can offer to pay for the medical and mental health care of people affected. There are mental health providers who specialize in treating injured workers.  If there is no adversarial legal action, the employees can keep in touch with their colleagues at work and not suffer the added injury of losing their work community. And then the company can welcome them back to work.

Often the company responds by shuffling executives around. But that doesn’t change much. The company needs a change in workplace culture and an engaged workforce. The company can mandate Civil Workplace training and enforce that standard of conduct. The Bullying Workplace Institute has a variety of resources for a company that needs to change.

Dr. Carol Dwek researched “Growth Mindset“ for the classroom. However, it is also applicable to the workplace. With a “fixed mindset,” people believe that they are intelligent or unintelligent, worthwhile or not worthwhile. In a toxic work environment, people adopt negative self-perceptions as fixed traits.

“In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment,” says Carol Dweck. This can become the culture of the company. There are many resources available online including the NeuroLeadership Institute.

Intensive Psychotherapy for the leader

It has been my experience that high-level people prefer to enter psychotherapy to restore their humanity, to bring balance back into their lives, and to be the empathic, joyful, and creative people they once were instead of losing their job and status. With the focused work of  Intensive Psychotherapy, leaders may be ready to return to the workplace within weeks.

Reconciliation between the injured workers and the leader is possible once they are both made whole by their therapy. This process is based on the concepts of Peace & Reconciliation used in Northern Ireland, and Restorative Justice that is used in penal systems around the world. Reconciliation restores the humanity of both those who were injured and the person who harmed them. It is a powerful process that creates the base for a healthy workplace.

The power difference between workers and leadership, often supported by an enormous difference in pay, can be dangerous for both. Leaders who are abusive are often unaware of or justify their behavior. Usually, everyone, the workers, the company, and the leaders, lose. When the leaders are not only powerful but creative and talented, the losses can be catastrophic. There is another way. This is a human circumstance. We can deal with it in a human way through healing and reconciliation making everyone whole. The company can be stronger and a much better place to work.

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